Do you feel like a lowly worm, Jacob? Don’t be afraid. Feel like a fragile insect, Israel? I’ll help you. I, God, want to reassure you. The God who buys you back…
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41‬:‭14‬ MSG‬‬

During the past few weeks I have been in quite a dark place. I was feeling a sense of failure at work, at church and at home. I felt like I could never do enough and would never be enough to have a positive impact on other people. I had worked so hard to be a good leader at work, to help people who were struggling and to work through my faults. But I felt exhausted and as though I would never ‘get there’….wherever ‘there’ was.

One day, as I drove along the State Highway, I noticed a beach and felt a desire to pull off the road. I felt like God was inviting me to spend some time alone with Him in a quiet place. I talked to Him about my feelings of aloneness and failure. I already had the passage in Isaiah open in my Bible app and I read it once more. The phrase “the God who buys you back” stood out to me. Those words reassured and strengthened me, though I didn’t understand why. I left the beach with more hope than I had arrived with.

A couple of weeks later, having asked God many times to explain what He meant by “buy me back”, I felt the need to read and re-read the description of Jesus’ time in the Garden of Gethsemane. I knew there was something in that passage that would help me, but it wasn’t immediately apparent. The more I read the passages, though, the more I found myself identifying with either Jesus or His disciples.

The first thing that I noticed was Jesus’ honesty and vulnerability in the presence of Peter, James and John. He said to them: “My heart is overwhelmed and crushed with grief. It feels as though I’m dying. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Matthew‬ ‭26‬:‭38‬‬ ‭TPT‬‬

I remembered that Jesus was described as “silent” when He endured the suffering that followed. His disciples were the only people that Jesus shared His deep emotions with during that time. I had never realised before the gift of intimacy that He gave those trusted disciples. As a person whose love language is Quality Time, I was very interested to know what those disciples had done to ‘earn’ that gift! I wanted that level of intimacy with Jesus.

If I was in the Garden that day would Jesus have felt able to share those deep emotions with me? Would He have asked me to “stay and keep watch”? Would I have been good enough to be loved like that?

But Jesus’ definition of ‘good enough’ is so different from mine. He already knew that His disciples were all going to let Him down, but that didn’t cause Him to withdraw from them.

“Before the night is over, you will all desert me…But after I am risen, I will go ahead of you to Galilee and will meet you there.” Matthew 26: 31,32 TPT

When I disappoint myself or others I work so hard to redeem myself. I spend HOURS writing in my journal, studying Bible verses and watching Christian teaching videos. I try to turn my failure into a ‘teachable moment’ so that I can become a better version of myself. Then I start preaching to others about what I have learned!

But God doesn’t ask us to fix our failures. Nor does He withdraw from us when we fail.

He always has a rescue plan!

When Peter was alone in his ‘journaling’ space after denying that he even knew Jesus, God was already enacting His plan. He sent an angel to some of Jesus’ followers to deliver this message:

“Run and tell His disciples, even Peter, that He is risen. He has gone ahead of you into Galilee and you will see Him there, just like He told you.” Mark 16:7 TPT

I love this verse! It gives me hope.

I finally understood what God was teaching me about failure:

I may have disappointed myself.

I may have disappointed others.

But I will NEVER have disappointed Him.

And He always has a redemption plan.